Where I’m at

Today I accidentally clicked on an old conversation on Facebook, of me talking to a girl when I was in my young teenage years and it was a really tough read. It’s so hard to imagine that those were my feelings at the time and the “text language” and use of :L emojis that I used to express those feelings would make you sick. I hope reading back on these won’t be such a traumatic experience and can give my future self / wife / kids / some kind of insight into what I was like at 26, before I made my millions.

I started journaling in 2021, largely in part due to the film Sound of Metal. The main character, going through mental health issues alongside severe hearing loss, gets admitted in to a silent community who take him in and help him come to terms with the different way he is going to be living. The old, wise, mentor character Joe sets him up a desk with pen and paper in a room every morning and asks him to just “write”. Living in the 21st century where something demands your attention at all hours of the day, I think that having no distractions except the thoughts in your own head is a necessary state to be in, for a part of everyday. I started writing a line a day and now it’s a big part of my life. If there’s a big decision, if I’m having a lot of big feelings or just need to contextualise a really shitty day, I’ll do Joe’s task.

Writing things out, helps to sort my feelings. When I see them out on a page or in this case now, a screen, it’s easier to see what’s a real issue and what is something that’s all in my head. There’ll be times where I’m doing Joe’s task and I realise the absurdity of my thoughts and the next line that comes out of my brain and onto the page is, “ignore that”. I’m undecided whether this blog will be just a stream of consciousness as those manic journal entries are or a collection of “well written” opinion pieces. It’s freeing to get everything out there but I’m also a fond reader. I’d like to use this to improve my writing skills and make it an enjoyable read for myself in 30 years time.

I’ll settle for unfiltered but non-pretentious writing.

Here goes my GCSE French-like description of my life as it is now.

I’m 26 years of age, single, I’ve just moved back in with my parents in Northern Ireland and I work in fundraising and communications for a homelessness charity. I’m playing plenty of golf, squash, running a lot and as such I’m in probably the best shape of my life. My mental health is in a pretty great place, I’m very confident within myself, even if it doesn’t show outwardly. I’m seeing my best friends from home more than I have in years and the same goes for my family which has been great. I’m still looking outward as to what’s next, a trait I wish I didn’t have. I wish I could be more content in my current situation instead of always looking forward to what the next move in my life is going to be. That’s perhaps a consequence of living in France, New Zealand, Uganda, England and Kenya in the space of the last few years which also included trips to Japan, Singapore, the US & Portugal.

I’ve been single since December, but it feels like longer because that relationship never made it back to Ireland and never became real. Socially, I’m doing ok but could be better. I’ve got a great group of friends who live near me but it’s tricky as I’ve a lot of free time to fill and they either work weird shifts or have long term relationships or both.

I’m shit with WordPress. I need to put in some time to this to make it look a little bit more professional but trying to move a few things around was turning this from a quiet, peaceful space into a rage inducing one.

“You met me at a very strange time in my life” – is a line that fits what I’m trying to say. I took the traditional route of school, straight to university. I always wanted to do a ski season so I did one in France, which led to another in New Zealand, which led to living in a rainforest in New Zealand. Building playgrounds in East Africa became my life for about a year and a half before I’d 5 months of solo travelling and now here I am, working a settled job, living with my parents in the house that I grew up in and yet this feels like the scariest time of all.

Peace and love,

M